


The Protocols of Revenge

by UpstartCrow42



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Cuckolding, Cunnilingus, Double Penetration, F/M, Laszlo is clueless, M/M, Multi, Nadja Knows What She's Doing, Nandor is a considerate lover, Nandor loves Protocols, Porn With Plot, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:34:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpstartCrow42/pseuds/UpstartCrow42
Summary: Inspired by aspects of Season 2 episode five, eight, and nine.Nandor is upset with Laszlo after learning that the younger man has greatly insulted him. Nadja is upset with Laszlo after learning that he yet again mistook her for another women with long dark hair and an accent. The two decided to conspire in a good old fashioned revenge plot, one that speaks to Laszlo on a very personal level.
Relationships: Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nandor the Relentless, Nadja/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 27





	The Protocols of Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to take a try at this idea by "My Boys" by walkwithursus, so check that out if you have not yet. 
> 
> It's been literally a decade since I wrote my last fan work or piece of extended fiction. This was a supposed to be simple story, but it grew and grew until it reached this behemoth length. I hope that you enjoy it.
> 
> A huge shout out to the lovely people on the Nandermo Discord for helping me with aspects of this story. I have more specific thanks at the end notes to give credit where credit is due.

“Don’t let him fucking see this,” Nandor’s housemate and long-time friend said after having the audacity to praise his combat prowess while simultaneously insulting his intelligence.

Nandor had been having a quiet evening just checking his Hotmail again after Guillermo assured him that it had been curse-proofed. Colin Robinson had sent him a moving picture from the Tube of You. The little kinetoscope player started with a title card that said, “Laszlo’s Sassiest Lines.” Most of them were about his topiary sculptures, spats with Nadja, and his conquests of women. Plus the Baron. Plus a lot of those sad pornography movies he had done. But that last _one_. Ugh.

The vampire slammed the machine closed and tossed it onto the couch next to him. He stood up and began making circles around the room.

Guillermo ran in a moment later. “Master, are you alright?”

“No, Guillermo, I have been insulted on the Ether. How could Ed do this to me?” He whined.

Guillermo grimaced and picked up the laptop. “How could anyone insult you on the Internet? Have you been going to Craigslist again?”

Nandor continued to pace up and down the room, his dead blood boiling beneath his skin. “The Craig’s had nothing to do with this. It was Laszlo and Thomas Edison.”

The familiar was even more confused now. “Maybe you should show me what this is all about.” He opened up the laptop and saw the YouTube Video. “Oh, someone made a fan video of the show.” Guillermo clicked on it. He wasn’t sure why Nandor was mad, except maybe he wasn’t really in this a whole lot. Oh, yeah. That made sense now. But there was still something lingering on his mind, “You are telling me that Thomas Edison, who has been dead for well over 70 years, made this video?”

“Yes, and it is a slight on my honor. How did he even get this footage?” Were the crew working for Eddie? They had to be in order to even get to make the documentary, right?

He could feel a migraine coming on. “Someone else made that video. They clipped together some footage from the documentary and uploaded it to Youtube. It’s a pretty normal thing for people to do,” he shrugged.

Nandor’s eyes grew wide. “They are going to be brought to jail and have their nose cut off for that! I mean they call _me_ Relentless but Ed just didn't know when to let it GO. Yeesh.”

The familiar let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Master, as much I would love to help you sort out your feelings over this, I have to go. It’s my day off and I promised my mom I would have dinner with her and my cousin.”

“But who is going to help me plan my revenge on Eddie and Laszlo?”

“You’re Nandor the Relentless, don’t you have some kind of protocols to follow for this?” With that his familiar exited the manor for the evening.

He stood up in one fluid motion and headed to his desk, pulling out a scroll and quill. First, he was going to write a very strongly worded letter to Thomas Edison. How could he let such a slander live on the Ether? Had their two times meant nothing to him?

After penning his rant to the Wizard of Menlo Park, he decided what to do about his so-called friend. _Wouldn’t want him as your barrister._ Fucking guy! What did he know about diplomacy? Negotiations? Proclamations? Maybe it was time to show Laslzo who was the true wit of this household. The only negotiations Laszlo liked to engage in were the ones in the bedroom. Next time that fop decided to seek out the warriors skilled hands when Nadja was less than enthusiastic, he would be suddenly having a headache. Let him stew in his own blue balls while he pleaded for Nandor’s strong grip. Advantage Nandor!

As his luck would have it, that time would be sooner rather than later as he saw Laszlo running away from Nadja hot on his heels and shouting, “I’m going to fucking kill you!” Normally Nandor would just go hide in his room at a time like this, but he decided to be the veritable fly on the wall for this fight. He took an advantageous position on the couch in the Fancy Room, grabbing a book to pretend to read, some old tome by Aristophanes.

“My good lady wife, please calm down. I told you that she looked just like you. How was I supposed to know that you were actually in another part of the club talking with another friend of yours?” The younger vampire said as he ran down to the basement, slamming the door behind him, and locking it with a loud click.

“How can you be such a stupid bloody donkey, Laszlo. For the last time, that woman was Desdemona the Shrieker. She has a mouth full of monster teeth, you arsehole! I don’t understand how you can’t tell the difference! Do you really want to wet your ridiculous willy on that?” she yelled through door, slamming her fist into it after trying the handle to no avail.

Not wanting to bust the door down and risk another lecture from Colin Robinson on how hard it was to get repair people to come to this place after all the bad Next Door reviews, Nadja decided to head to the Fancy Room and sat on the couch in a huff. She darted a look across the room to her other pig-shit roommate, still miffed at him for numerous things including the pillaging of her village and of her husband. She snarled at him, eyes glowing red.

Nandor eyed Nadja from the book he was reading. “Trouble in the Paradise?”

She sneered, “What? Are you thinking of having a go with him later tonight, you stupid turkey?”

He sighed, “No, I was thinking of saying I’m having a headache and telling him to go bother someone else with his perversions.”

She eyed Nandor with narrowed eyes, “Since when have you been one to deny such an easy sexual conquest?” Nandor did seem to like the convenient hookups. It’s one of the reasons she stopped bringing her lady friends over. The other reason being Laszlo.

“I’m not a total pervert like you two,” he said, marking the place in his book so he could show her that his attention was all hers. “I don’t fuck everything that moves and I don’t like to rush into things to get them over with quickly.”

Nadja’s mouth dropped. “First of all, that’s harsh. Second of all, you’re one to talk. You’ve taken plenty of partners into your crypt these past few centuries.”

Nandor laughed and shrugged, “Perhaps, but I do have some discerning tastes. A type if you will.” He took a moment to inspect his fingernails as he said the last part. He supposed that they had a type too, but Nandor wasn’t about to equate himself with them entirely. He was more careful about choosing partners. Nandor the Relentless was a lot to handle in the bedroom. You couldn’t just take on any partner willy nilly.

He continued with, “And I don’t know, maybe it’s sometimes better to take things a little slow with a partner instead of copulating every night like rabbits. Draw out the tension. Make them beg for--”

“You mean you torture them?” She grimaced. “Your poor wives.” Nadja said the last part more to herself than to him. She shook that image off and continued, “And if you’re implying that Laszlo and I are acting like a couple of common fuck-me knee tremblers, then you don’t understand true love at all.”

It was his turn to grimace. “No, Nadja, that’s not what I meant. Not everything has to be like it is at an orgy, all wild and crazed with the biting and filling of all the orifices. Sometimes its nice to just _appreciate_ your partner.”

She pursed her lips and looked up at him. “I think Laszlo appreciates me plenty. We like fucking around on the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the bushes, and the staircase.” She grimaced, “Do you mean you just like fucking on a bed or the couch? That’s so bloody boring, Nandor. We’re vampires, not common mortals.”

Nandor closed his eyes and took in an unneeded breath. “No.” He took a another moment to gather his thoughts “Well, maybe I mean to say that it doesn’t have to be all about how many times you can be doing it in one sitting or in all the ridiculous places you can have sex, but extending the experience so that it’s just one amazing night of appreciating each other.” He punctuated his last words with a little wink.

“I still don’t get what you’re saying.” She sighed. “The more times you can do it and in the more places, the better.”

He grinned, “Well, when I was married to my 37 wives, I wouldn’t just go room to room each night and fuck them and leave for another to rinse and repeat it. I would spend a long of time with just one of them,” he raised an eyebrow. “There would be a lot of touching and caressing, lots of hands and mouths on different sensual parts. You do things to make them feel good before diving in to conquer them.”

Nadja eyed him incredulously and nodded, “So like going down on them?”

“That’s not what we called it back in Al Quolanudar, but yes. I would explore them with my hands and my tongue to warm them up and not after too long they would be begging me to go further. We would spend all night together and the noises they would make under my administrations were exquisite.” He grinned, heat pooling in his groin at just the thought of those times.

“I don’t see what this has to do with me and Laszlo. We have plenty of sensual times.” She shrugged and after a long pause added, “Of course, that stupid bloody donkey keeps fucking anything that has long dark hair and accent.” She stared at Nandor at that last bit.

He met her gaze, choosing his words carefully. “I just think that maybe he’s treating you like one of his numerous trysts.” He hesitated for a moment and looked away from her. “Or he’s complacent.”

“Are you fucking serious? You think my husband is treating me like some common whore or bored with me?” Nadja got up into his face, quickly pulling Nandor’s chin down to meet eye to eye.

“When was the last time he actually really **_appreciated_** you?” Nandor said, making sure to put extra emphasis on the appreciation part.

She let go of his face and thought for a moment. “Probably the twenties,” she said.

“And before that?” His eyebrow arched up.

She shrugged. “Back in the old country.”

“Wow,” he said. Nandor hadn’t been a relationship that could last an eternity, but he did know what it was like to be with a partner for a long time in the mortal sense. Even with 37 wives, it hadn’t been all _Kama Sutra_ all the time, he had to admit. Sometimes you might go through a spell of quick foreplay and then down to business because at the end of the day, the act of love making as a mortal was meant to secure one’s legacy. The more times one could do it, the more children one would end up making. But Laszlo and Nadja had been a vampire couple their whole marriage. They didn’t need to make things quick to secure another baby for the line of succession or to be a leader of a new territory when they were of age. It made him a little sad to know the couple was going through a rough patch like this.

“I know we’ve had some . . .issues lately, and I am truly sorry for what happened to your village back in my pillaging days. And for lending a helping hand to Laszlo when he asks.” He let that linger before speaking again. “I honestly thought you knew about the second one. Like it was an unspoken protocol. It’s not like he’s the best at keeping quiet about such things.”

Nadja just looked at her hands as her undead heart began to simmer with rage. How many times had those two gone to bed together right under her nose? Nandor was the last person she wanted to talk with about her love life. She almost wished Colin Robinson were here to try to drain their life force. At least he was a mute listener on such occasions. “Get to the bloody point, Nandor,” she spat out.

Nandor stood up so he could be in ideal proclamation declaration mode. “Well, Laszlo acts like he’s the best lover in the house, yet he’s not appreciating you like he should.” He paused, thinking on the earlier footage he saw. “Plus, I just learned of a great insult he gave to me, so maybe, I don’t know. We could make him jealous and teach him a lesson.” Nandor said that last part quietly, looking down at his boots while awaiting her answer.

Nadja just stared blankly at him for a moment and then a choked noise erupted from her throat. A burst of laughter wracked her body. She had trouble forming her ideas into words, “Are you suggesting that we fuck to piss off Laszlo?” Even Colin Robinson wouldn’t dare go there, even if he were starved for an energy drain.

The warrior’s face went from delighted to dejected in an instant. “Why are you laughing, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Well, it seems to me you just want to fuck someone and are making up an excuse to get me to be the one to do it.” Nadja’s shrill tone echoed through the Fancy Room as she made her point.

“No, that’s not the reason. You’re my friend and I care about you. If I just wanted to have sex with someone, I can go out of this house and get any ass I want. I could even have Guillermo if I wanted, but you know, that’s weird with your familiar. He paused and then gave a dubious look. “Then they get a bit too familiar and it just leads to a lot of hypnosis and dumping them in Delaware.”

Nadja just looked at him blankly. Did he just admit to humping and dumping his familiars?

“If you don’t believe me, then I must prove it to you. I will go check on Laszlo now. You come with me and do the listening at the door. He will proposition me for a ‘helping hand, old chap,’” he made his best effort to imitate Laszlo’s speech style, “and I will tell him no and then you will see I’m not making up excuses just to take you into my bed chamber to show you the best night of passion you’ve had in a century.”

She grimaced at that last bit. “Shut up, Nandor.”

He shrugged and sat back down with his book. What were those ladies up to any way with all of their talking? When were the men going to come back to tell them of all their great deeds of war?

She rolled her eyes. Nadja couldn’t believe she was about to go along with this pig-shit scheme of Nandor’s. At least if they went down the basement together, this would prove him wrong and then he could leave her alone the rest of the night. Then she could plan a proper revenge on Laszlo for his earlier blunder. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”

Nandor smiled as he stood up, putting the book down on the couch. The tall vampire lead the two of them to the basement where Nadja’s husband was currently hiding out. Why Laszlo thought hiding from her was the best idea, Nandor would never know. It certainly kept things interesting, at least.

They crept their way down to the door, making sure to take careful steps so as not to alert Laszlo of their presence. Luckily for them Colin Robinson was at some kind of evening work function and Guillermo was helping his mom with a task or something.

Nandor knocked softly on the chamber door that held the basement coffin, “Laszlo, are you okay in there? I heard you having a fight with Nadja again. Will you be sleeping in here tonight?”

The pair waited a moment for Laszlo’s response. After a minute had passed, they looked at each other, curious as to why he hadn’t answered. Nandor had Nadja hide around the corner when they heard the click of the lock. Laszlo appeared and said with eyebrow cocked, “Well, old chap, I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a helping hand right about now,” he said pointing at his tented trousers.

Around the corner Nadja pursued her lips and made a face as if she were about to scream, but held it in.

Nandor looked down at Laszlo’s predicament and made a pained face. “I’m having a headache right now, so I will have to go and leave you to take care of this yourself. Good luck with your penis, Laszlo.”

Laszlo shrugged and said, “Whatever,” closing the door and locking it again.

The two vampires headed back upstairs to the Fancy Room. Nadja failed to quietly seethe while Nandor kept motioning for her to keep it down. As her volume increased, panic struck across his face for fear of Laszlo catching them conspiring together. When they returned, the pair stood on opposite sides of the room.

“See, I didn’t take the bait. And it was pretty tempting too. He just knows how to use his eyebrows to be so suggestive. Can’t you see why no one can resist him, Nadja?”

Did Nandor just really compliment her husband for being an alluring adulterer? “That piece of shit. Is that how easy it is for him to fall into bed with you? You just check on him and he hits on you. Shoving his boner in your face with an arched brow.”

He could see she was incensed.

“You just can’t help but go with it? Have you no self-control?”

He shrugged. “A man has needs.”

She just hissed in response, but it didn’t have much heat behind it.

A spark lit in Nandor’s mind. The tall vampire then carefully walked over to her, stepping behind her. He gently brushed her hair away from her neck and over her shoulder. He whispered, “And so does a woman,” as he gently traced her neck with his fingers. “My offer still stands. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

Nadja hated the feeling that was pooling within in her, so instead of giving in to temptation, she channeled it into rage. “I will rip your fucking head off if you touch me without my permission again,” she said as she stepped away from his touch, trying to hide the shiver it sent down her spine.

He held up his hands and backed away, a wide-eyed look overtaking his face. “Of course. I was not meaning to cross a line.”

Nadja mulled over for a moment. It was extremely annoying that lately Laszlo seemed to be getting his jollies with anything that had two legs, working sex organs, and sometimes a pulse. Plus, she had to admit that Nandor was offering to do something for her that Laszlo seemed to have a huge hang-up about. This from the man claiming to be the best lover in the house, let alone the world for that matter, yet he won’t go down on his own wife? Fuck that.

If she were honest, their love making had become rather rote lately. The locations changed, but it was the same all the time. It’s one of the reasons why she liked finding her Gregor in almost all of his lives. He was more than willing to go down on her anytime she asked. Hell, he was usually the one who was offering it to her. Until Laszlo inevitably cut off the man’s head, of course. But if she and Nandor just fucked off with each other in his room with the door closed, that wouldn’t really piss Laszlo off. He would be like, “My darling, why didn’t you invite me to play along with the big brute? You know how much I love being dominated by a big handsome warrior and a dark princess.”

She sighed and said to herself. “I guess I’m doing this.”

Nandor had headed back to his chambers while Nadja pondered the complicated politics of spousal jealously. She stood outside the door watching him for a moment. He looked like he was getting ready to head out of the house to find his own conquest for the evening since he had failed to bed Nadja or her husband so far.

“Knock-knock,” she said softly.

“Did you need something, Nadja? You made it pretty clear earlier that my services would not be required and quite frankly all this talk about sex has left me needing to take care of some things of my own, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to find someone to appreciate.” He did his best to adjust his attire without the aid of Guillermo. Fucking guy, still helping his mom with something this late at night?

“Wait,” she said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. We’re friends and I don’t know why this feels weird now. It’s not like _we_ haven’t done things at orgies. I probably wouldn’t have any qualms if you were my Gregor, but what you’re suggesting is very, very different.” She paused for a moment, working herself up to state it out loud. “But, Laszlo has insulted me and you apparently, so I will do this with you on one condition.”

“What is that?” he asked.

“Laszlo has to watch.” Her lips curled up into a grin, her fangs gleaming in the candlelight.

“Okay,” he said easily, trying to hide the excitement threatening to tent his trousers.

They sat in Nandor’s crypt with the door closed to work out the right protocols for their plan. Luckily with both Colin Robinson and Guillermo gone, it would be just the three of them. No awkward Colins in the curtains or his familiar’s inevitable sadness filling up the whole house with a depressing odor. It was better that he wouldn’t bear witness to all of these things.

The two vampires finished hatching their plan and all the conditions of their “love making” with plenty of evening hours left to spare. Their goal was to elicit the maximum jealous response from Laszlo. Nadja retired to her crypt to change for the evening. The pair decided to wear clothing that would be easier to disrobe but was not so obvious that it looked like they were “fuck-me knee tremblers.” Nandor had shown her his clothing choices earlier and she had the perfect dress in mind to compliment them. After putting herself in order, she headed to the Big Blue room to go prep for the boys’ arrival.

Nandor went to retrieve their clueless housemate, making his way back down to the basement for a second time that night. He hesitated for a bit before knocking on the door lightly. “Laszlo, it’s Nandor again. I think my headache has gone away if you’re still needing a helping hand.”

In no time the lock clicked and Laszlo emerged, trousers still tented. “Well hello there, old chap.” He smirked. “I would hope that you had more than a hand to help me by the looks of your own situation.” He eyed Nandor’s trousers and made to palm his friend’s erection.

Nandor’s eyes became heavy at the touch. “Not down here though. It’s kind of icky.”

Lazlo ignored his comment. “I like this outfit too. Are these your temptation clothes?” His friend was dressed in a white poet shirt with minimal frills, open to show off his chest. Nandor’s dark hair on display was more than enough to make Laszlo’s erection intensify, but the black leather pants were definitely making it hard for the shorter vampire to control himself.

“Well, my crypt is out of the question. Don’t think Nadja would approve of the two of us helping one another.” Laszlo grinned, continuing to trail his fingers over the other man’s length. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her though.

Nandor leaned into the touch. “Of course. And Guillermo left mine an absolute mess earlier. He’s off with his mother tonight, so it’s not fit for us to fool around in.” It was half true, he thought.

Laszlo reached up to place a kiss on Nandor’s neck. “Well, do you propose we risk being caught in the common rooms, my boy.” Laszlo grinned and then it faltered as he said, “Or did you want to go into Gizmo’s sad little room?” he frowned. As horny as he was, he didn’t want to fuck around with Nandor in a literal closet.

“The Big Blue Room upstairs has a nice queen bed we can have a lot of fun on.” Nandor grinned.

Laszlo considered it. “Well, it’s a little basic, but I can see the appeal. We can do some simultaneous work without the risk of falling off the ceiling or hurting our backs on the floor.” Plus it was far enough away from his shared crypt that Nadja wouldn’t suspect he had left the basement.

“Exactly,” Nandor said. “Let’s hurry up before Nadja comes looking for you.”

The two men traipsed their way up stairs to the Big Blue Room. The queen-sized bed was beneath a boarded-up window on the wall opposite the door. It was flanked by two small side tables with drawers. Cream colored sheets and a quilted comforter with a golden Moroccan pattern adorned the bed. Atop the nightstands were lit candles. A vanilla scent radiated from them giving the room a warm ambience.

“You bastard, were you planning this the whole time with your flimsy headache excuse,” Laszlo said, slapping the other man on his backside. He had better be more careful around Nandor or the antique warrior just might fall in love with him. Couldn’t have his messy feelings dampening Laszlo’s mood.

Nandor lead the shorter vampire to a chair that was precariously placed at the side of the bed. He sat Laszlo down and pulled the younger man’s hands behind his back, attacking his neck at first with his tongue, then tracing a fang over the major artery that was his death as a mortal. He gripped his shoulders when he felt Laszlo trying to reach out for him. “No, no, no, Laszlo. No touchy right now,” he whispered in the man’s ear.

“Whatever you say, old chaaaap.” He let out as he felt the icy grip of constraints lock his wrists together. “What the fuck. How did you-?” He turned around as best he could to see his good lady wife smiling maniacally at him, expertly removing little while gloves from her hands.

Nandor stepped out of the way and took his place on the bed as Nadja said, “What do you have to say for yourself, Lazslo?”

“Shit.” He began. He had to make this good or otherwise he would hear about it forever and a day. “My darkest princess, it’s not what you think. Nandor seduced _me_.”

“Bullshit!” She said. “I heard you proposition him in the basement earlier.” She went on the mimic Laszlo’s words verbatim in her shrill nasal tone she loved to use when mocking him.

“Well, I don’t recall that at all. Nandor, tell her.” He pleaded with the taller man. The bindings were cold on his wrists and they burned slightly.

Nandor leaned on the bed, resting upon one elbow. The pose showed off his impressive height. His white shirt hung up, exposing even more of the warrior’s chest and his black leather pants were straining over his length, threating to burst open. “I don’t know, Laszlo. I seem to remember you asking me for some helping with my hands. Some touching of my penis through my trousers.” He looked down as he said it to maximize his aloofness, tracing a little circle with his index finger into the soft fabric of the bed.

Laszlo turned to his wife. “Is this about the incident at the club? My good lady, you know I would never do anything to hurt you.” Nadja was his whole world, after all. They had an understanding, right? He let her toy around with that mortal until she became too sad to handle him, so what if he dallied here and there with a string of dark-haired lovelies and occasionally Nandor. “I just have a lot of love to make and so many women look just like you.”

Nadja frowned at that but didn’t remark on it. Instead she took a seat next to Nandor on the bed, choosing to sit up straight next to him instead of lying down. She was wearing a 1950s one-piece swing dress with a white sleeveless bodice dotted in black and solid black skirt from hollow to hem. It had a little black jacket to match too. Beneath her dress was a black lace brassiere and matching panty set she had picked up on trip to some upscale boutique a while back. She believed they were some fancy French brand. Normally she didn’t bother with such modern undergarments, but sometimes she liked to wear them for little role plays with Laszlo. Nadja had also put on a corset for good measure. The more dainty things to disrobe, the more annoyed her Laszlo would become. Typically, she would wear her corset on the outside as a fashion statement, but this occasion called for it to be beneath her dress. Compared to her more Victorian and Edwardian clothing, Nadja was practically naked. She put her hair up in two little buns, giving her a cat like appearance.

Laszlo took both of them in as they sat next to each other on the bed. Nandor lying down, a literal king of seduction and Nadja sitting up, legs crossed, looking much like his queen. Both were wearing black and white clothing. A matching pair. “What in blazes is going on here?” His eyes bore into Nadja’s, almost pleading with her.

“My sweet syrup pie, this is what we call. . .revenge.” She made a cat growl at the end of the sentence.

Shit. If he had a pulse it would be racing now. His words tumbled ineloquently from his mouth as he tried to gain the upper hand. “My darling, okay, you got me. I’ve had quite a few knee tremblers with lovely ladies who have long dark hair and accents. And yes, some of those were with Nandor who has both long dark hair and an accent but is very much a man.” He paused and looked over to the other man’s trouser tent before meeting her eyes again. “Now can you please uncuff me so that I may make love to you right here on this regular human bed?” He took another glance at his friend’s pants and thought he saw the man’s cock twitch, “But I think we may need to take care of Nandor too because I did say I would help him. You know how lonely he is.” His eyes pleaded with her to un-cuff him.

Nadja just crossed her arms over her chest, her face in a grimace as if she just smelled some rotting fruit. “I’m not the only one who wants revenge in this room, dear.”

Laszlo turned to his friend. “Et tu, Nandor?”

Nandor’s finger idly began tracing lines on Nadja’s arm and moving down to hold her little hand in his. “Yeah, I heard what you said about me to the documentary crew. About how I was handy with an ax and not much else upstairs.” His hand began to make small circles on the back of hers with his thumb.

Seeing those innocent little touches lit a fire under Laszlo. “First of all, that was years ago. Second, I told those bastards not to show that to you. I was only joking, old chap,” Laszlo pleaded, eyes glued to the ministrations of Nandor’s finger upon his wife as his friend moved to her lap, splaying a hand on her thigh and rubbing it through the dress.

“Well, I guess Eddie didn’t get that memo.” He continued to massage the other man’s wife with his free hand while Laszlo looked on confused. “It may be a flimsy pretext, but Nadja here has told me how she’s not feeling very appreciated by you, what with your running around and fucking all of us dark haired beauties,” Nandor preened.

Laszlo was genuinely taken aback by that remark. He wasn’t about to ask who the fuck Eddie was. No, he was too busy being burned by his wife’s words. How could she say something like that and to Nandor of all people? “I do appreciate you, my darling,” Laslzo said. “I love you more than anything in this entire world. Don’t I show that to you all the time when _we_ make love?”

She shrugged, “Lately, we just seem to be doing more of what you want, and not what I want or _need_.”

Laszlo tried to speak but faltered. Nandor interjected, “You think you’re the Casanova of this household, but I’m here to show _you_ that I am the legendary lover. And I can only show you by demonstrating on your _good lady wife_ ,” he intoned.

Lazslo finally found his voice. “Cuckholded in my own home. In front of mine own eyes.” His hardness became unbearably constrained by his trousers.

Hands cuffed.

Wrists stinging.

No one to help _him_ out.

He didn’t want to admit how fucking hot this was for him. After stealing himself to say it bluntly, he mustered up the right words. “Well, then, my good man. Show me how to please my wife.”

Nandor sat up and positioned himself behind Nadja. “This little coat needs to go first. I can’t get to her neck because it covers too much of her skin.” He carefully helped his friend out of the garment. “That’s better,” he said in a breathy voice, lips barely touching the shell of her ear.

He carefully caressed her neck with his fingers. She leaned into his touch and let out a soft little mewling noise to let both men know she was enjoying this. Nadja knew Laszlo had to be squirming in his seat, his hardness an unbearable reminder of what he was denied in this moment.

“Warming your good lady up is very important to keeping her happy with you. If I were to just impale her now with my sword, she wouldn’t have very much fun,” Nandor said as he began planting light kisses on her neck.

“How do you plan to warm-up my good lady?” Laszlo asked, his bulge already slick with pre-cum and threatening to burst through his trousers. He dare not take his eyes off the vision in front of him. He wanted this burned onto this memory for eternity.

“For now I’m going to concentrate on her neck and collarbone with my mouth while using my hands to snake down her body and tease her through little dress.” One hand slowly focused on Nadja’s breasts, massaging one for a bit and then moving toward the other, while his other hand palmed her nether regions, the smooth fabric heating up under his fingers. Nandor pressed his mouth onto her neck, nipping and licking at one spot.

Nadja could feel the tension and heat build within her as his hand touched her delicate parts through the fabric of her dress while his tongue and teeth explored her neck. She touched his face with one hand and then let it slide down his chest, but he stopped her. “No, no, no, Nadja. I’m good for now.” Nandor cupped her face in his hand and looked into her eyes. “This is all about you.” She practically melted under his dark gaze.

She took a moment to collect herself and then nodded, moving her hands away. If that’s how he wanted to play, she could play. As he continued to kiss and touch her, the next words fell out of her mouth without a thought, “I’m already so very, very wet for you.”

Nandor grinned. “Then maybe I should explore you a little more and teach your husband the next steps.”

“I would very much like to see that,” Laszlo said, nodding his head up and down like a dog.

“Sure, but what does Nadja want?” Nandor asked. He was sitting up on his knees now, his length pressed against her back as he continued to devour her neck while awaiting her next command.

“I very much want to be touched and kissed by you,” Her breath hitched and her eyes were heavy with lust.

“But I’m already doing that.” he teased, making sure to increase the pressure on her groin.

Nadja lifted up her dress to reveal her sheer black lace lingerie. Nandor’s efforts could be clearly seen through the thin material. “Please,” she begged. Nadja bucked her hips up to emphasize her need for more.

Nandor slid his hand down her stomach and breached the barrier of her garment, gently rubbing his pointer and middle fingers over her tender flesh. Nadja rolled her hips into his touch as he continued to kiss at her neck and palm her breasts.

“See how she instantly wants more. All these teasings has her so hot for me.” He gently probed her with one finger and then a second while using his thumb to rub circles on her throbbing clit. “I can make her cum just like this,” he said as he increased his movements in and out of her.

Nadja started to moan more audibly at that. “This is slow torture,” she said breathlessly.

“You’re telling me, my good lady,” Laszlo said. “At least you’re getting touched.” Each caress and moan sent pulses through Laszlo’s core, further straining the tense situation in his trousers.

“If you keep that up, Laszlo, you’re not getting a turn ever again.” Her tone soured as she spoke but melted into another moan as Nandor continued to massage her.

“She’s the boss,” Nandor said. He took out his fingers and gave them a little taste. “Hmm, that’s delightful. I could be getting used to this.”

“I want you to go down on me. I want to feel your tongue on me and make me cum,” Nadja said, a bit less dignified than she had intended. As much as she hated to admit it, this was actually really hot for her. Nandor was very attentive and her husband was so very, very jealous.

“As you wish.” He gently laid her down on the bed and lifted up her dress. “There are a couple of ways this can go,” he began his instructions. “If I am to be eating her in a public place where we could be caught, I can just slip her panties aside and lap her up like this.” He moved the fabric and began to lick her delicious folds.

Nadja’s eyes opened wide as his tongue hit her delicate flesh. She could feel the heat building up quickly with each movement of his tongue as it made patterns over her lips, entrance, and her clit. He would tease a little with light flicks and kisses and then move back up to her most sensitive spot, sucking it in. She knew it wouldn’t take long to reach a climax at this rate. It had been so long since anyone was down there in such an intimate fashion. After too short of a moment, Nandor pulled away, his face glistening. She let out a little whine at his absence.

“If you have more time and don’t need to quickly put her back together, it’s just easier to take them off entirely,” Nandor said as he helped Nadja slip out of the lacey garment. He tossed them to Laszlo, hitting the man in the face and then went back to working his tongue on her sensitive folds. He pulled up briefly to say, “So much easier now,” before diving back in. His hands cradled her hips, fingers splayed out, occasionally moving them up and down the sides of her body and to her still clothed breasts before tracing back to caress her thighs.

Nadja’s soaked panties slapped Laslzo in the face before falling to the floor. “You’re not going to undress her?” her husband asked. What was the point of all of this action if they were not in more suitable evening wear?

Nandor paused and looked up, hands firmly on her hips for now. “I think it’s more sensual to have her dressed while I do this, it feels more. . .forbidden. But it’s whatever she wants. “Nadja, would you like me to take your dress off?”

“Just keep your head down there until I cum,” she said, thrusting her hips toward his mouth.

Nandor grinned and obeyed, lapping her up and nuzzling his face into her. Nadja let out more moans and praise to Nandor’s skills as he continued to bring her to edge and then tease her, a pattern the warrior relished in. It wasn’t difficult to pay attention to her moans to see what she liked best. He enjoyed tasting her sweet flesh, especially at her taut nub. Nandor pressed his tongue harder into that spot, but moved it more slowly. Nadja let out a low moan and began to twitch.

Laszlo was certain he was going to cum without being touched at all. His enhanced senses could smell her desire as if he were the one administering the actions that were causing the most delightful sounds to spring forth from her very red lips. It stung every time she mentioned Nandor by name. He may not be such a skilled orator, but Nandor’s tongue certainly knew how to make Nadja nearly pray to the deities they could no longer utter aloud.

The immortal warrior navigated between her sweet spot and her entrance giving long, languid strokes. Nadja could feel his tongue twitch as it moved over her, the sensations building up in a sweet torture.

The vampire slowly inched a finger into her and then the second as he built her up to the climatic moment. She wrapped her legs around his shoulders and bucked her hips up into his face. Words tumbled out of her mouth as she reached her peak, her muscles twitching and tightening around him. “I’m cumming! Don’t stop, it feels so good. Keep going! I can cum again.”

Laszlo completely lost it and, for the first time in his life, orgasmed without physical stimulus.

Nandor kept his tongue pressed to Nadja, trailing it up and down, his fingers pumping her still, hoping to get her off again since she seemed so eager for it.

“My good lady wife, please let me come and play with you both. I’m so lonely cuffed to this chair.” Laszlo said, squirming in his seat. He hoped neither of them noticed the huge stain on his trousers.

“Not until I get properly fucked,” she said, the stern tone returning.

“Go on then, my man. Fuck my wife with that impressive prick of yours.”

Nandor lifted his face away from Nadja, her essence all over his beard causing it to glint in the candlelight. “She seems to be enjoying what I’m doing now, but if she wants to go ahead and move on, I’m more than ready for her.” He motioned to show his tented leather pants.

She let out a little whine. “Nandor, I’m so close though. Please keep going then we can fuck afterward.”

He didn’t need any more signals to go back down and please her. Why was Laszlo so hesitant to do this for her? The sounds and sensations were so wonderful, and the taste was pleasant. Her reactions made it really difficult to not just fuck her right now. His hardness ached for her with every moan she let fall from her precious lips.

Nadja’s moaning grew even louder and more erratic now that a second climax was on the horizon, triggering round two for Laszlo’s poor neglected cock to stand at full attention.

After her second cumming, Nandor helped Nadja rid herself of her dress, unzipping it and pulling it down from her shoulders before pulling the rest off and casting it aside. “Ooh, such a pretty corset and. . .” he faltered at the name of the lingerie covering her breasts. “We didn’t have such undergarments back in Al Quolanundar. These are fun to take off your lady,” he said as he divested her from her corset expertly before moving on to the other, a one-handed operation.

Nadja helped Nandor disrobe too, starting with his white puffy shirt and then his leather trousers. Once free from both pants and undergarments, she took him into her hands. “Oh wow, it’s so much bigger than Laszlo’s and so thick too.” She smirked.

“Do you want to test it out first before I plunder you?” Nandor asked.

She grinned and then gave it a few pumps before taking the man into her waiting mouth. Her head bobbed up and down, sucking and licking him as she made her movements. Nadja moved her tongue around his shaft on her downstrokes, eliciting a small moan from Nandor. On her upstrokes, she swirled it around the head, tasting the salty precum. This caused the man to let out a shuddering groan. Nadja continued this action, varying her tongue movements to bring about his tortured sounds. After she sensed a new spirt of pre-cum had emerged, Nadja removed her mouth with a loud pop and said, “You taste so good. I could suck you off all night.”

“Well, maybe not all night, my darling.” Laszlo said. “If I may give you a little hint.” His voice quavered. “If you intend on our good man to fuck you with that thing, you’re going to want to avoid making him cum now. He’s not multi-orgasmic like us. It will take him a while to step back up the plate, if you catch my drift.”

Nandor cupped her face in his hand. “He’s not wrong. It’s why I would only spend the night with one wife at time. Maybe two when I was a little younger and had more stamina. If you really want to do this we should probably just go for it.”

Nadja smiled and said, “Then what the fuck are you waiting for, conqueror? Conquer me.” She laid on her forearms and spread open for him so he could enter her from behind.

He took his member into his hand and eased himself into her, no need for synthetic lube because of their earlier actions. “Of course, I don’t need to tell you two that there are many positions for this type of activity. I believe it is correct that you came from a time that said The Mission---you know the _one_ position was the only one, but you do whatever feels good. According to the Protocols of the Fancy Room earlier this evening, we decided that positions where we didn’t face each other would be acceptable for this exercise. We didn’t want to get too intimate, after all. I just wanted to fuck your girl, not be stealing her entirely.”

Laszlo frowned; eyes narrowed. “But it’s okay for you to go down on my wife, as if that’s not just as intimate as face-to-face fornication!”

“Fuck off, Laszlo, you haven’t gone down on me in 100 years, you don’t get to say what’s intimate right now! If you’re not careful, I’m going to have Nandor eat me every night until the end of time.” She ended her rant with a hiss, eyes glowing red.

“Duly noted, my dear.” Laszlo said, aptly watching as his friend pumped in and out of his wife, her face pressed into the mattress, moaning so loud that he was afraid the neighbors would hear them. He was embarrassingly hard again and found that he was trying to rut around on the chair in time with their movements. It was useless at this angle though. No traction on the parts that needed the friction.

“I think we have made my Laszlo very, very horny, Nandor,” Nadja said. “He looks so sad all by himself in the chair.”

“What do you want to do about it, Nadja? Would you like me to un-cuff him and so he can touch himself?” Nandor asked.

“I would very much like that, if I’m allowed to have an opinion,” Laszlo said.

“I think we can do one better,” she said. “Laszlo, those are just regular cuffs that I rubbed garlic on, you could have broken out of them at any time, my love.” She grinned.

His face went on a journey of confusion, exasperation, and frustration. He tested the metal of the cuffs and they easily broke under minimal effort. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he said as he ripped off his trousers and joined them in bed, not even bothering to take off his vest or shirt.

“Hold on, big boy.” Nadja said. “I want you inside me too. Both of you.”

“In the same hole?” Nandor asked, face incredulous.

She nodded in affirmation.

“Now this is going to be fun, old chap. A little old Double Penne-traaaay-sssshiion.” He elongated the last word while he quickly ripped off his previously forgotten vestments.

This time they would need the lube. Nandor pulled out of her and crawled over to the side table. He fished a bottle out of the top draw and squeezed out a good portion onto his and Laszlo’s penises respectfully. Each man then took the other’s cock in his hand and spread the liquid down the length. Laszlo was a little quick and rough with Nandor’s member, swiftly coating the taller man so he could move onto his good lady. Nandor, on the other hand, brought his back up to Laszlo’s head lazily, thumbing the tiny hole at the top with excruciatingly slow circles. Laszlo threw his head back, “Careful, there. I don’t want to cum prematurely.”

Nadja let her husband prepare her with lube instead of doing that part herself. Nandor squeezed another portion into the other man’s awaiting hands. While Laszlo probed Nadja to properly coat her for their entry, Nandor took her nipples between his thumb and fingers and ever so gently pinched her. “Are you ready for us?” the men asked in unison.

She nodded and the trio took a moment to find a workable position, and luckily having vampiric strength and agility was an easy help in this matter. Plus this was not the first time for any of them. The three vampires had all been to plenty of orgies in their years and this was a pretty regular occurrence. They just hadn’t done this together as a household.

After they nailed down the position, the two men flanked Nadja. Laszlo was up front while Nandor remained behind her as the protocols demanded. She floated above the two of them as they pressed their lengths together. There was a definite size difference between them, but not so much that it would leave one man at an unfair advantage. Laslzo did have that unique texture thing going for him at least. Both vampires helped Nadja lower herself onto them. It was a slow process, each man moaning as she took them all in inch by inch. As she filled up with their cocks straining her walls, she too let out her own breathless moans. Soon Nadja was completely filled up by her guys. The three found an easy rhythm as their cocks rubbed up against each other and her at the same time.

It was hard to see where one person ended and another began with their limbs intertwined and hands everywhere. Laszlo stared into Nadja’s eyes as the two men pumped themselves into her.

Up and down.

In and out.

In unison.

Nadja leaned over a little and her husband dove in for a kiss with Nandor. Their lips were soft against each other, Laszlo’s only moist from his own saliva while Nandor’s were clearly coated in Nadja’s essence. The younger vampire always enjoyed when he and Nandor would lose themselves in a kiss, but the addition of Nadja’s presence on his friend’s tongue made it so much sweeter. The men continued keep it open mouthed, their tongues exploring each other. Little moans would fall from their lips as Laszlo enjoyed the taste his wife on his friend’s tongue. It was maddening and made him hungry for more, devouring Nandor’s mouth to lap up all it could offer. The heat in his core built up at the memory of the older vampire expertly pleasing his wife with that very tongue. 

“Oh, so you two like to kiss each other,” she said, squeezing herself around them. “Well, I didn’t get to kiss Nandor.”

Nandor pulled away from the other man and Laszlo let out a little whine. He concentrated on Nadja’s body for a moment, running his hands up and down her sides to help him focus as the pressure built up within his body. Laszlo’s throbbing cock upon his own was not helping him in that matter, its texture sending bolts of energy to his core. After coming back to his senses, the warrior said, “Laszlo and I have a different set of protocols.” The older vampire thought for another moment, never losing the easy rhythm the trio had developed. “But if you want to break our tens upon tens of minutes of old protocols to kiss, I would be okay.” He grinned; lids heavy with lust at the site of them both.

“Fine by me, old chap,” Laszlo said as he caressed Nadja’s neck before burying his face in her bosom.

She turned her head to the side to kiss Nandor, stroking his beard with her hand as his tongue explored her mouth. She could taste a bit of herself and a lot of Laszlo on him. It sent a little bolt of electricity down to her core. As they continued to explore each other’s mouths, Laszlo began to do the same at the crook of her neck. His lips were less delicate than Nandor’s had been earlier, choosing to pepper bites in with the kisses. It was only natural at this point as they were all losing their heads to give in to instinct.

A cacophony of moans, dirty talk, and directions filled the Big Blue Room and spilled out to the farthest reaches of their manor. Each member of the _ménage à trois_ had their own style of verbiage. Nadja dominated with dirty talk laced with commands for her guys. Both seemed to relish in her words. Laslzo chimed in with salacious phrases of his own while Nandor could barely form a coherent thought. He pulled away from Nadja’s mouth to bury his head on the other side of her neck, switching back and forth between shouting their names or just letting out visceral groans and grunts as the sensations washed over his entire body.

The men would vacillate between a rapid thrust that built up the heat in her core, and a relaxed one that would torture her sensitive nerves. The delicious friction of Laszlo’s cock on Nandor’s, surrounded by Nadja, built up an intense pressure within the taller vampire’s prick. The intermittent slow strokes were helping to keep him on the edge of orgasm, but it could only last for so long at this point.

Laszlo snaked his hand down Nadja’s torso and began to massage her sensitive nub as best he could from their position, knowing this could send her over the edge in no time. She tightened around them in response, letting out a guttural moan. Laslzo could feel his cock grow harder the closer they drew toward their climaxes, every movement sending them closer to the precipice.

The three of them were supercharged from all of the foreplay and/or torture from earlier, so they didn’t last much longer in their efforts. The sensation of two throbbing cocks hitting all of her sensitive parts, along with the aid of Laszlo’s helping hand on her clit sent Nadja to climax first, her muscles tightening around the men filling her up. Nandor was the next to lose himself, pumping vigorously and then spilling his semen into Nadja. He remained inside as Laszlo was the last to lose himself, his seed co-mingling with his friend’s. Laszlo rubbed his wife’s tender clit to help send her over the edge one final time, just how she liked it.

The three vampires untangled themselves and fell back on the bed. Nadja was in the center with Laslzo on the left and Nandor on her right. The two men idly traced their fingers along the smooth lines of her curves while Nadja ran her hands down their respective chests. The motions of their hands served to calm them down from the intense activity.

They remained quiet for a while, just basking in the afterglow. Laszlo was the first to speak up. “You know, old chap. I quite liked seeing you take care of my Nadja. Your tongue seems to be more skilled in that area than mine. But hopefully I learned a thing or two I can try with her.” He cocked an eyebrow up and grinned at his dark princess before kissing her on the lips.

She smiled as their kiss deepened before pulling away. “It was very, very good,” she said. “I don’t know if your tongue is long enough to pull off some of his tricks though,” she teased, running her hand through his hair.

“If you ever need a third man to fill in some gaps, you know where my crypt is,” Nandor said, sitting up and drinking them both in.

Nadja and Laszlo exchanged a knowing look and grinned.

From there the vampires three engaged in idle pillow talk and negotiated The Big Blue Room Protocols of the Year 2020.

**Author's Note:**

> The whole Thomas Edison idea was influenced by the Nandermo Discord. Thanks so much to everyone there for encouraging me as I would talk a little about this story.
> 
> A big thanks to the following people from providing lines that they kindly allowed me to use or for helping me find the write words when I was struggling with what our Vampires would call our modern undergarment.
> 
> Interrobam for reminding me that the term “moving pictures” existed and that he might call the video player a “Kinetoscope” They also had the idea for the idea that Nandor though Thomas Edison made every movie. Also for these brilliant lines: “"they are going to be brought to jail and have their nose cut off for that" and "I mean they call me Relentless but Ed just didn't know when to let it GO "
> 
> softwinds for “You are telling me that Thomas Edison, who has been dead for well over 70 years, made this video?” This is the reason Guillermo is even in this fic for a brief moment.
> 
> to andyandnormski for suggesting something funny and then being supportive and thinking that the Tube of Yous was hilarious.
> 
> chels (chelsfic) for being so supportive when I would talk about my writing. Both she and and uv_duv really helped me with some of terminology to describe how Laszlo and Nadja’s sex life had become so routine.


End file.
